Geostorm

#86

I am going to cut to the chase on this review: Geostorm is not a good movie. When my wife and our friends went to see it last night, we were unsurprisingly the only patrons in the theatre. I say unsurprisingly since many reports are showing it is on track to lose at least a hundred million dollars and several stories are out about the troubled production. The great thing about seeing a bad movie with friends is the fun you can have making fun of the movie … and we definitely had fun making fun of it! With that said, what is my rating?

I would give it 5 “GEOSTORMS!” out of 10.

FOR THE UNINITIATED

The world came together to create a space program called Dutchboy to control the weather in response to global warming and the disasters it caused. Fast forward several years and the United States is scheduled to hand over control to the ISS, but things begin going haywire. So the man behind the program is brought back to find the root cause and fix the issues.

Director: Dean Devlin

Writers: Dean Devlin and Paul Guyot

Starring: Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Andy Garcia, and Ed Harris

THE BEST

It is a great movie to make fun of while watching. In addition to that, there were some action sequences that were fun and enjoyable if you can shut off your brain while watching. That and there were plent of disasters that played out on screen, which were great if that is your bag (Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Twister, etc.).

THE WORST

Literally, I have no idea where to start on what was wrong. There were so many things wrong with the movie’s logic that it was mind boggling. Let’s ignore the fact that the way the storms are broken apart are by bombing the atmosphere, but there is also a giant laser that exists on a separate station that is used later as well. The movie starts with rockstar astronaut / climate genius / tech genius / engineering genius going to a politicsl hearing and the security guard geeks out that he is meeting THE Jake Lawson, but when Jake goes to the space station no one recognized him. The first “accident storm” is a city in Afghanistan getting frozen, so the UN sends a heavily armed group to investigate … and they don’t get cold at all even though the ice that isn’t melting and is several inches thick. The next is a heatwave (?) that hits Hong Kong gradually, but then suddenly spikes. The pipes underground become almost lava, but still burst through the ground and break the roads apart or demolish entire city blocks but leaves bridges alone completely … and doesn’t melt car tires in the slightest.

Then there are at least two astronauts with pistols. They aren’t security guards, there is no question why they have them, and at least one gun was hidden under a public computer. Then there are staggeringly complex computer viruses and sabatoges that are somehow not discovered until the end. One causes Jake’s spacesuit to malfunction causing him to go through a couple hundred feet of solar panels, antennas, other metal poles, etc and he escapes with no harm or a single scratch to his spacesuit.

There are SOOOO many more issues, that could spoil the movie … if that is possible. It is literally like the writers had a list of everything that could ever happen in any disaster movie / political thriller / space station and threw darts at the list. Then they went in that order without worrying about connecting dots or the consequences.

OVERALL

The 5 out of 10 was not a mistake. It was that much fun to make fun or play “find that mistake” while watching it. I would not watch it if you don’t like disaster movies or wanted something serious.

RECOMMENDATION

I was trying to think of overly ridiculous movies and immediately went to Face / Off. A movie where two people change JUST faces but no one notices the changes in body build, voices, hair, or anything else … and it doesn’t matter. It is a fantastic action movie where we get to see Nic Cage do his best John Travolta and John Travolta do his best Nic Cage. If you somehow missed this one, do yourself a favor. You don’t need to watch it just to make fun of, but that is entirely possible if you so choose.

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